Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?

This article is yet another reason to love David Sedaris (my other favorite Sedaris). He has managed to articulate my feelings on the undecided voter in a very humorous way.

As an aside, I hear Amy Sedaris is slated to do a new show. Yay!

A bell though, that's f@#$ed up.

I want a real kitchen...

I've concluded that my kitchen consists of nothing more than a sink, a microwave, and an overside easy-bake oven. Seriously, the knob on the oven does not make any distinction between degrees and is absent of any markings that would give you an inkling as to what temperature you are cooking at. As a result, all of the recipes I have say things like "turn the knob half way and put on Mitch Hedberg's Strategic Grill Locations, once he starts talking about Lynn, you're done". Alternatively, "turn the knob three quarters of a turn and cook for one episode of 30-Rock on Hulu".

Who says baking is an exact science? If producing food that is slightly charred on the outside and slightly undercooked on the inside is considered a failure, *I guess* I would have to concede that they are right.

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

I will be the first to admit that I basically know nothing about economics, so our country's current financial predicament is completely over my head. I mean what I do know about finance and banking pretty much comes from that one scene in It's a Wonderful life. Which makes me think that this whole situation is caused by one Mr. Potter and can be easily resolved with a little brass knuckle action, as seen here:



Perhaps I am a little naive. All I know is that I can use what remains in my 401K to either get a cup of coffee, or do a load of laundry.

Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all.

PS: I've heard that the best place to have your money right now is in gold. Heather has sagely suggested buying up gold grillz, as storing them in your mouth will have added security. Use this advice as you will...

Ghosts of Halloween Past

It's October and Halloween is fast approaching. Here are some photos from Halloween past:


Here, my sister was a witch and I was a clown. I swear I was a clown the first five Halloweens of my life. I don't think I really had a choice about it. The thing is, clowns creep my out. Especially after watching the movie It.


This one is from a few years ago where Heather, Maggie and I dressed up as the Canadian Mathletics Team. You can't see it in the photograph, but Maggie is sporting an oversized calculator as a back pack. A homage to a geeky flavor flav. I'm also wearing a metal that reads "participant". Heather is flashing our gang sign, "M" (for Math). I still have that jacket, the back reads "The Denominator" in iron on letters.


Last year my office decided it would be a good idea to encourage us to dress up for Halloween. Although we had several fantastic ideas, time just was not on our side. We pulled these Magnum P.I. and Lumberjack costumes out our hat the night before. It's all about the accessories here.



This photo is also from last year. Maggie is dressed up as a member of Cobra Kai (the bad people from Karate Kid) and Heather and I are dressed up as Slash and Axle Rose.

If the plans for this year's costumes come to fruition, they should be pretty fantastic. Just to give you an idea of where this might be headed, originally Heather and I were going to dress up as Elvis Presley and Lou Costello, thus being a human rebus that read Elvis Costello. We abandoned the idea when Heather came up with something even better. Stay tuned...

Sometimes Life Hands You A Balloon

This may be as close to an American Beauty moment that I ever get...

While I was leaving my apartment this weekend, I saw a helium balloon in the middle of the intersection down the street from me. A weight was affixed to the end of it so that it would not fly away. I thought it an odd site to see a balloon in the middle of an intersection. Then the wind began to pick up and the balloon started drifting towards me, eventually landing at my feet. Now either life thought I seemed a little sad and wanted to cheer me up, or thought I had done something really great and deserved a little surprise.

Thanks life.

You Should Read: A.J. Jacobs

Mr. Jacobs stands firmly at the intersection between cocktail party trivia and humor. His work tends to be completely informative without sacrificing any entertainment value. His most recent work chronicles his year of living biblically, as explained in the TED talk below. For those not interested in reading his work, I would highly recommend watching the video as it accurately represent Jacob's wit and inquisitive sensibility. I am also completely on board for the "reverent agnostic" movement he mentions.

People are Dumb

People are dumb. Three examples:

1. The Palin-Couric Interview. I can't help but mention this past week's catastrophic Palin interview. A perfect example of people being dumb. In this case, not Palin, McCain. It has become completely obvious to me that McCain has tasked Miss North Carolina with prepping Palin for her interviews. I personally believe that this was a huge mistake, such as The Iraq.



2. Each and every Subway eatery in the downtown area. Uhm, it's a sandwich, and I'm walking you through the ingredients. How can you get it wrong? How can you accidentally leave your glove in my sandwich (this actually happened!!)? Then how does it become my fault? If you call yourself a sandwich artist, I totally expect a Monet, not a crushed velvet clown playing poker with dogs.

3. The ending to the movie Pretty in Pink, aka the worst movie ending in history. The film's finale has always disappointed me. How could Andie end up with Blaine, not Duckie? Blaine? That's not a name, that's a major appliance. A few years ago I found out that in the original ending to the film Andie and Duckie DID end up together. The film was shown to a test audience and a new ending was taped prior to its release based on the test audience's reaction. I want to know who these cold, heartless people are. I want names! I mean come on, Duckie v. Blaine, there's no contest. Yes, Blaine was fairly adorable. But he was also boring and spineless. Duckie, on the other hand, was lovably eccentric and uber cool. He had fantastic taste in music, how can we forget his homage to Otis Redding?



Swoon. Moreover, Duckie adored Andie and stood up for her as Blaine coward in the stairwell. How could a test audience get is so very wrong? Sigh. At least Valley Girl got it right.